What's the story you're telling yourself?

The Two Wolves

Stories are powerful mediums in which we make sense of the world. The stories you tell can reveal a lot, and it can also reveal limitations in the way you view yourself and the world.

During the coaching conversation, I often ask leaders, what is the story they are telling themselves. Sometimes the story is one experienced through the lens of fear, instead of courage, so we say things like 'If I tried this I might fall flat on my face, and fail.' Instead of 'If I never try I will never learn.' Other times, it could be one of self-doubt, instead of confidence, where we say things like: ' I'm worried that I don't have the ability to do this', or 'who am I to try this?' instead of 'why not me?', or perhaps ' If not me, then who?'

There can be many limiting perspectives through which we view ourselves, others and situations such as failures or successes. We could also look at the world from a scarcity or abundance perspective, which skews our perspectives of the meaning of enough. If we have a scarcity mentality for example, we could be constantly working to achieve more, and still feeling dissatisfied. We could choose behaviour that is competitive instead of collaborative. Most growth journey's start with self awareness. Here the awareness is of how we are speaking to ourselves, becoming aware of the story we're telling ourselves, as well as becoming aware that it is only one version of the story. And then consciously choosing to change the story. Yes, it sounds simple, but it does require a constant and consistent (i.e. daily) ways to shift the narrative.

One of my favourite stories to use during coaching is the story of the two wolves.  It is told from the perspective of a Cherokee grandfather to his grandchild, while the author of the story is unknown, it is a memorable one.

The Two Wolves

A Cherokee grandfather is having a conversation with his grandson, and passing wisdom to the child.

"There is a fight is going on inside me,” the Grandfather said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

The same fight is going on inside of you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Life can throw a lot of challenging circumstances our way, but we can choose how we see it, and consciously choose which wolf we feed. We then start creating our own stories, which can be empowering and fulfilling. When you feed fear, and self-doubt, or helplessness, it grows. It may not be entirely true, but your perception of it can certainly stop you from seeing beyond it. Focus on the story you tell, and create a new story. Write it down, think of different perspectives, use your imagination. What if you really were fearless? What if you really were courageous? How would you feel? How are you already that?  Has your fear blinded you to experiences when you have shown courage? Our lack of self-awareness can sometimes blind us to seeing how we limit ourselves.

Start to shift your focus and feed the other 'wolf' in a conscious and daily manner, this is also known as challenging your limiting beliefs. You can work with a coach, or start a regular reflective journal practice, perhaps start sharing this with someone who is close to you, who you can trust, and who can hold you accountable, provide feedback on how they see you putting this into practice and can check in with you regularly.

When you start changing the story, you start to see yourself and situations differently. And you start behaving differently.

So what are you feeding on a daily basis? What small and consistent step can you take to (1) stop feeding the 'wrong wolf' and (2) start feeding the 'right wolf'

You have the power to change your story.

Written by Racheal Govender:

Racheal is an Organisational Psychologist, and works as an executive coach and facilitator of leadership programmes world wide. She focuses on equipping and building wise, and resilient leaders. Contact her if you are interested in growing as a leader.